34 Things Lise is No Longer Allowed to Do in ESO

1. I will not sing “Blue Entoloma” to the tune of “Smooth Operator” whenever I come across said plant.
2. Nor will I tell my husband to “wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute” when I come across cotton
3. Same with “Flax! Ah-aaaa! Savior of the Universe!”
4. Ditto “Hey Jute.”
5. I will not refer to trickster god Rajhin as the Dickster God, even if he is.
6. I will not yell “puppykiller!” whenever I kill a clannfear
7. Or at random, just for the fun of it.
8. I won’t insult the Tribunal’s ill-gotten divine powers in a Sheogorath voice.
9. I mustn’t speculate about the sex life of Idesa and that dark elf noble, no matter how many times I visit the forge in Windhelm.
10. Nor greet vendors with “Sauce!”
11. Lyris is an important NPC, not an email management software.
12. I have reached my quota on saying, “Shadowfen… I can’t believe I’m still in Shadowfen.”
13. Should I find any Argonians in Shad Astula, I must not shout, “Yer a lizard, Harry!”
14. Similarly, it’s probably not a good use of my time to make an Argonian sorcerer named “Scar-Like-Lightning.”
15. Nor do I have enough time to make a metrosexual Bosmer.
16. I will not suggest Mannimarco/Vanus Galerion slash.
17. Even if the former IS the King of Worms.
18. Epic Violet dye is a privilege, not a right.
19. I will not refer to Eyes-of-Steel as Thighs-of-Steel.
20. I will not call potency runes “prunes.”
21. When visiting a kwama mine, I shall not sing “Kwama Chameleon.”
22. I mustn’t be an Elder Scrolls hipster in zone chat.
23. Especially not to speculate that cliff racers were the real cause of the disappearance of the Dwemer.
24. The lyrics to that common tavern song are not, “Neil Diamond, Neil Diamond, the heart and soul of men.”
25. Speculation on the qualities of one’s grotto (frigid, or fungal) is in poor taste.
26. Same with Questionable Meat Sacks.
27. Ditto wormwood.
28. It is anachronistic to name my horse “Barenziah.”
29. I will not question the humility of Ordinators — at least not in their presence.
30. I shouldn’t use Piercing Javelin to fling mobs through the world.
31. Especially when my husband is tanking them.
32. Especially because “I just like the sound of it.”
33. No matter what Ultimate I have slotted, it’s not effective against barrels.
34. I will not refer to fishing as “PvF.”

Inspired by The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army