Here’s a snippet of Bright Future, for your enjoyment (?)
Gaulir lifted his sword. “Dawnbringer?” he queried.
“Keep it dim,” Jorlan said, “and stand back from the ledge.”
There was a shimmer in the air, and the darkness was rent by an ethereal form — a woman’s shape, glowing blue. She, not it, Dawnbringer informed them, a tartness to her tone even through the psychic link. The figure disappeared just the sword flared with a dim orange light.
It was rare for Dawn to show herself like that; Mavash gathered it took a tremendous amount of energy. Jorlan hadn’t yet seen her manifest, but if he was surprised, it didn’t show on his face.
Lux gave Jorlan a stern look, softened with a half-smile. “Don’t you dare misgender a sword.”
He raised his hands in a placating gesture. “Far be it from me.”
And also please enjoy this picture of a showy dogwood blossom! I just discovered this tree in my yard this week, and I’ve lived here… 15 years? I believe it’s Cornus florida, the flowering dogwood. While native in some parts of New England, this one was probably planted. Until earlier this year, there was an invasive Norway maple overshadowing it, so it’s very possible this is the first year it’s bloomed!
But seriously. She was soâ€¦ level. Cold. I don’t expect that from teenagers. In my experience they’re nothing but a roiling mass of feelings. And that’s basically what she is, in drow years, right?
If she were in Menzoberranzan, she’d not even be old enough to go to Tier Breche. Beside her, she heard Jorlan make a heavy sigh before continuing, Look, Mavash. You need to stop paying so much attention to her emotions. It’sâ€¦ rude.
She looked askance at him, frowning her confusion. Rude? I’m only concerned.
Doubtless she thinks she’s already revealed too much of herself, breaking into tears when we met her. Understandable, as she was under a lot of stress–
Stress? She had a broken foot, she’s being hunted by drow scouts, and her mother is missing and presumed dead. What do you expect from a young girl?
He stopped abruptly, his boot scraping rough against the tunnel. A light burned in his red eyes, a fire seen through smoked glass. She’s a woman-child, and drow at that, and I promise you she would not survive her first year– He cut off, sighing under his breath. Why do I even care? And why do I try to explain these things to you? He continued walking, his steps speeding to pass Mavash, his mind suddenly as impenetrable as a steel wall.
That stabbed her, a shard of ice in her throat. I want to understand, she mindspoke, her word-thoughts whispery faint. Unbidden, came the thought, I want to understand you.
And then, of a sudden, she understood: this conversation wasn’t really about Hanne, was it?
(This is a telepathic conversation, where I use italics for word-thoughts. Since block quotes reverse the italicization… you get the weird formatting above).
Multiflora rose — whose Latin name is Rosa multiflora, logically enough — is kind of a shit rose.
It is native to east Asia, but definitely not North America, where it has become wildly invasive.
… if you know me at all, you know I have a bee in my bonnet about the term “invasive,” but my definition of a shitty invasive is “can I find it naturalized in woodlands behind my house?”
And indeed I can. Especially in reclaimed areas, you can find thickets of it and Asiatic bittersweet (Celastrus orbiculatus) intertwined, choking out native plants and doing its shitty best to give me the 3.476 thorn scratches I am required to display after every walk through woods.
Why the heck is it even in this country? It is yet another example of “let’s bring in a non-native plant to help with an ecological problem…. WELL I GUESS THAT BACKFIRED.” The problem was soil erosion; now you have the problem that is UP TO MY EYEBALLS IN SHIT ROSES.
You see it a lot in reclaimed farmlands, where it was used extensively as a cattle brake. Why? This might surprise you, but it turns out that cows don’t like running face first into a wall of thorns.
This is the Wei. My mom had a Chinese exchange student named Wei (first tone, straight line over the “i” in Pinyin). We were trying to figure out what her name translated to; she knew it was a type of flower but she didn’t know the translation in English. So she asked Chinese-language Google, and lo and behold, it means “multiflora rose.”
… it’s an awkward conversation to tell someone they share a name with an invasive species. Usually I only have those conversations with leshy in my Pathfinder games.
The way to tell multiflora rose apart from other, less shit roses? Well, for one thing it has large inflorescences. That’s a botany way of saying “big-ass flowers.” They are usually white, too, and there are lots of them on a single branch.
But my favorite ONE WEIRD TRICK to identifying multiflora rose? The petiole (leaf stalk) looks like a feather:
In conclusion: multiflora rose: unless you have cattle, absolutely no good will come of having this in your yard.
I got my second COVID vaccine yesterday, which left me feeling generally groggy and like the field where I sow my fucks was barren. Hence, nothing for day 4.
For day 5, I’m getting back to querying Lioness. (Somewhat spurred onby getting a promising rejection on a full MS on Monday). Today I queried Paige Terlip of Andrea Brown Literary Agency, who seemed the most appropriate choice at that agency.
Since this is a short post, please enjoy some photos from my recent walk in the woods!
Today’s work: I started a new chapter of Bright Future. This one will cover the troglodyte lair in the Wormwrithings, and how mah boi acquired the sword Oloth tlu malla — an event I allude to in the chapter “Siltrin.”
It’s been a while since I played through this part of the campaign, so I am definitely backfilling and embellishing where it seems fun.
Apparently toilet humor seems fun today.
Here’s a snippet:
Hanne had grown more enthusiastic during their travel through the worm tunnels, taking it upon herself to serve as a sort of tour guide. There were the marks left by others of the Dark Hunters on their way towards this tunnel; here the way was lit by nightlight fungus, and did they know that? (They did). She even stopped to point out a pile of worm scat that might be searched through for diamonds. (Mavash declined).
Lux turned with a goofy smile to Jorlan. “I wonder if you were revivified with a poop diamond.”
“Don’t worry, Jorlan, Gaulir’s diamonds are certified poop-free.” Mavash elbowed him in the ribs as she passed him in the tunnel; he had stopped, looking thoughtfully back at the pile of scat Hanne had pointed out. “That juice is definitely not worth the squeeze, as we say on the surface.”
Jorlan returned his attention to the group with a scowl. “Thank you for that delightful mental image. No, I was just wonderingâ€¦” He glanced over his shoulder again, looking like someone was about to put a knife in his back. “Hanne, how long ago would you say that worm passed through here?”
The young hunter was busy scoring the wall of the tunnel with a blade — her own trail of breadcrumbs, Mavash figured. “Ten days, maybe? But this is an old tunnel.”
Jorlan adjusted his pack on his back and fell into line behind Mavash. “Suppose one of these worms came barreling down the tunnels while we were in itâ€¦”
Hanne turned back, her lips twisting in a mischievous look. “Suppose it didn’t.”
(Yes, I’ve already had a chapter 12. That damn chapter “Siltrin” is still a bit ahead of this. So this is the new chapter 12. For now. Just go with it).
Mavash and company enter the Wormwrithings on the hunt for a purple worm egg. When they meet another exile of the drow, Jorlan is tasked with easing some of her cultural suspiciousness — and maybe his own, in the bargain.
Chapter End Notes
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Since my last chapter, we actually finished our campaign. Let me assure you, it was a satisfying ending to the campaign, and it brought tears to my eyes. But… I still miss Mavash and Jorlan <3
“Abban” is the Drow word for “ally” or “not-enemy.”
When I began writing this fic, I did not realize that 5e darkvision is not the same as the infravision of 2e — it’s only intended as low-light vision. I’m not sure why it’s not infravision any more; so many aspects of drow culture only make sense if they can see into the heat spectrum. So my final call is that my drow (and all elves, really) have infravision. Please excuse any inconsistencies on this account.
Huh, looking up this chapter in the adventure, I realize that Zhora and Hanne areÂ notÂ supposed to be Eilistraeean renegades, as written. I definitely think this makes it more interesting!
Ah, the drow — those underground-dwelling, chaotic evil matriarchy-having dark elves of the Forgotten Realms setting for D&D. They present so many problems to modern sensibilities, and yet, there’s still so much amazing worldbuilding behind them.
In this post, I want to talk about what some of the problems are, and how (I think!) they can be reformed and redeemed.
I’m an elf fancier, as everyone knows, but I reserve the greatest of my love for dark elves across all media. I jokingly refer to them as “murder elves,” due to how grimdark they are often portrayed; many of them came out of the 1990s, which was a decade that loooooved its gritty reboots.
When I was a teen in the 1990s, I played a lot of AD&D 2E, which is the version where the drow first appeared. The first splat book I ever bought for D&D with my own money was Drow of the Underdark for 2E, by Ed Greenwood. I also read a bunch of the Drizzt novels, which were just starting to get popular.
For reasons you are probably aware of (if you follow me literally anywhere on social media), I have renewed my fascination with them, due to my playthrough of the 5E adventure Out of the Abyss. The game starts with you being imprisoned by the drow and takes you on an adventure to escape the Underdark — and then back into it, for reasons that become clear along the way.
Through a combination of factors, my druid character ended up with a drow boyfriend.
Aaaaaaand I ended up writing 56k words of fanfic (and growing!) about my character’s relationship with said boyfriend as they make their way through the Underdark,.
So every time someone talks about The Problematic Drow ™, I get sad, because I’m still that 15 year old girl who fell in love with Drow of the Underdark.
… and that 40-year old woman who can’t stop writing emotional hurt/comfort about her fictional druid’s fictional boyfriend.
So what’s so problematic about the drow?
There are three main areas where the drow are problematic:
Racial sensitivity, i.e. the “elves in blackface” problem.
Its weird perspective on women.
The whole concept of an “evil race.”
I’m actually going to talk about this one the least, as the most glaringly obvious — but also the easiest to address.
The drow are traditionally dark-skinned — in 5E words like “charcoal” and “obsidian” are used to describe them. It’s intended to be dissimilar to any real-world skin tone. But it’s not quite so simple, is it?
Color — and here I mean the light phenomenon — is perceived differently by different people in different circumstances. And that’s reflected in language: Japanese uses the same word for blue and green (aoi), French stop lights are orange, not jaune (yellow), and what the hell did Homer mean by the “wine-dark sea?”
So what happens when fans bring something that was born in the world of text out into the world of light and color? Nothing good. When drow started being portrayed in person, through cosplay or in larps, we started to see something that looked a HELLUVA lot like blackface. Sure, it didn’t look like any real skin color… but it was eerily reminiscent of the blackface makeup of the deeply-problematic late 19th/early 20th century minstrelry.
(Google it. I’m not gonna satisfy your curiosity).
My point: despite your best intentions,your “charcoal” may look to a BIPOC person like blackface.
Basically, we’re not in FaerÃ»n, and it seems facile to ignore that and just say “oh lol fantasy” when there are real people playing this game and being affected by it.
This choice of drow skin color also interacts poorly with how the drow are portrayed — as largely evil. Most of them worship a chaotic evil deity-turned-demon, Lolth, with all that implies. That goddess has systematically wiped out any competing deities, and her temple promotes some pretty evil behaviors.
The magic number I’ve seen bandied about places — I think it originally came from Drow of the Underdark — is that only 15% of drow are good-aligned.
The concept of an “evil race” is a problem on its own, which I’ll discuss in a bit. But first: anywhere that blackness = evil? Not cool.
The next problem is gnarlier…
Weird perspective on women
This problem is a lot less obvious, but it’s also hard to solve without stripping away a lot of what makes the drow interesting.
Drow society — or at least Lolthite society — is a matriarchy. It’s also, as I mentioned above, centered around a chaotic evil spider goddess. The society kind of falls in line with that, which means that there are a lot of women in power doing evil things.
I guess the first, most obvious objection that comes to mind is why does a matriarchy have to be evil? Is this meant to imply something about women in positions of leadership?
This objection doesn’t trouble me too much, though. Perhaps it’s because I find a lot of assumptions about women in leadership go too far in the gender essentialist direction — “oh they’re women so they must be caring and gentle and they never go to war.” But the drow matriarchy doesn’t put the ability to have babies at the CENTER OF EVERYTHING, and I enjoy that as a change. Drow women are also allowed to be openly sexual without it being unusual or stigmatized, and it appears to be (mostly) a society that isn’t too hung about marriage or monogamy.
(I recently decided to read one of the newer Drizzt books — Timeless, from 2018 — and was disappointed to discover that these aspects are less and less true, alas).
So a wicked matriarchy by itself doesn’t bother me, for the same reason I don’t mind playing villainous women in historical or fantasy larps — because villains are rarely bound by real-world gender roles.
The second problem is a lot of the evil and cruelty of the matriarchy reads like some guy’s BDSM fantasy. The drow matriarchy has a lot of the same problems of the patriarchy in the real world, in that it actively and passively marginalizes the opposite gender. (And yes, I know, gender isn’t binary, but tell that to the writers of the 1990s). Which in some cases is actually quite interesting to read, as a woman!
But sometimes it goes too far, and it becomes absurd; when the show of dominance goes into the realm of the far-fetched and the violence is over-sexualized. And it’s moments like that when I say, “Is this believable? Or is the author just a frustrated sub?”
(I returned the book to the library, so no quotes for you, but there’s a section in Exile, the second Drizzt book, which reads kind of like Malice is a pro-domme and Rizzen is her sub client with a service kink).
Which brings me to another aspect of the matriarchy that bothers me. Sometimes it feels like an extended “bitches be crazy” joke. I get it — it’s a chaotic evil matriarchy. Hence there’s a lot of irrational screaming and undeserved punishments and unusual cruelty.
But considering that this sort of “irrational,” emotion-driven behavior gets pinned on women a lot in the real world? It can definitely be grating to see it writ large in fantasy.
(I had a sidebar here about how this ties into consent in the matriarchy, but then I realized this could be a post all its own. Maybe some day I’ll write about that!)
Sooooo…. there’s a big problem underlying a lot of ethical quandaries in D&D, and it’s alignment.
In D&D, a character’s moral compass is called “alignment,” and it reflects a spot on two axes — lawful -> chaotic, and good -> evil. So you get alignments like lawful good, chaotic evil, or true neutral (neutral on both axes). When I refer to Lolth being a chaotic evil deity, it’s this alignment it’s referring to.
Alignment is an observable fact in the world of D&D. No matter how much Wizards pretties it up and makes it sound like it’s about moral choice, it has to do with how you are aligned relative to the Great Wheel of the multiverse — the gods and fiends and the outer planes where they live. In previous editions, alignment was something that could be sensed by spells; even in 5e, certain magical items require a certain alignment to use.
Alignment’s not all bad. It makes sense for gods and fiends, as primal absolutes. I have absolutely no problem with describing Lolth as chaotic evil. And sometimes makes sense in with actual players, too– it guides how your PC acts in response to events in the campaign.
But the major problem with alignment is: it’s from an outside POV.
This is most clear when you’re talking about the good-> evil axis. While I can imagine someone describing themselves (accurately) as “lawful,” it all breaks down when it comes to evil.
Fundamentally, no one thinks they are evil. Even the worst of humanity — murderers, slavers, genocide enthusiasts — think they are doing the right thing given their circumstances.
This comic is a great segue, because orcs are another example of an “evil race,” at least in previous editions of D&D, where they were pretty much only monsters you could kill in dungeons, not sentient beings with their own culture. I remember distinctly — having played a half-orc in 3.5e — that it was pretty much implied that half-orcs are all products of rape, which is wiiiiiiild and how did that get into print?)
In 5E, you can play an orc, but then sometimes you get slammed with text like this:
No matter how domesticated an orc might seem, its blood lust flows just beneath the surface. With its instinctive love of battle and its desire to prove its strength, an orc trying to live within the confines of civilization is faced with a difficult task.
Volo’s Guide to Monsters (2018)
Drow, unfortunately, don’t get much better than that: see the “only 15% of drow are good” factoid above.
And when those races are coded in ways that are reminiscent of real-world racial inequalities? It’s even grosser.
And what do we do about it?
Fixing the “elves in blackface” problem.
I feel like this first problem has the easiest fix: make the drow skin color one that is further away from real-world connotations.
There are a lot of options for this. Colors like dark blue and dark purple have been suggested. Some folks say “they live underground; they should be pale or albino,” and I can buy that. Recent official art, in the 5E sourcebook Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything, depicts them as a sort of silvery-grey.
Personally I picture my drow as looking like the Dunmer, with grey skin. While it is still possible to shade into something uncomfortable with that, I also think ESO — and Elder Scrolls cosplayers — have set a good example with this.
Of course, this is my Very White opinion on the matter, so take this all with a grain of salt. But if your primary objection to the drow is the similarity to blackface, that’s the easiest of these problems to address.
But it does need to be addressed at a higher level than it currently is — it needs to come from Wizards of the Coast itself.
How do you solve a problem like a chaotic evil matriarchy?
Well, for one, you tone down the chaoticness and extravagance of their evil.
Does this alter the fundamental interest of the drow as a people? I don’t think so! Personally, I’ve always found it hard to believe that any society could be maintained for long under that level of chaos. Lolth may be chaotic evil, but I think individual drow are going to shade more lawful or neutral evil.
Indeed, Menzoberranzan is astonishingly lawful — what is the Way of Lolth if not a law? Even their overwhelming “don’t get caught” attitude towards crime is a sort of law, even if it’s not justice.
Your average drow, regardless of gender, does what they have to do to survive. They’re not (for the most part) sadists; they’re not going to go out of their way to come up with elaborate tortures for their enemies.
But if someone stands in their way, the knives come out.
(I also think this connects to social class. The higher your house is ranked, and the closer you are to Lolth’s chaotic orbit, the more extravagant evil you will see, because you will become an obstacle to other houses. But when you are lower in the hierarchy, who cares? What do you have that anyone else wants?)
Personally, I subscribe to the Kantian theory: evil is using other people as a means to your end, not ends in and of themselves. By this definition, evil is banal and common. It isn’t the Menzoberranzan equivalent of Snidely Whiplash, tying poor hapless menfolk to altars to sacrifice just for funsies. It’s thinking, “eh, it’ll please Lolth and gain me prestige if I sacrifice this guy, so I don’t see a problem with it.”
Congratulations, you have just used a person as a means. That is the heart of evil (says Kant).
I could say SO MUCH MORE on this topic, but I’ll save some of it for another post. (Maybe a drow headcanon post?) I’ll wrap this up with: make the matriarchy more interesting by focusing on the banality of its evil.
Fixing the concept of an “evil race”
… can we just say, “don’t?” Is that enough?
Again I’d encourage folks — by which I mean WotC — to take the inside view. No one is evil inside their own head. Certainly not an entire race.
And if you have to make an entire race evil, can you not code them as real-world marginalized people?
Getting rid of alignment, and replacing it with something more nuanced would also go a long way. Like, say, a better version of the half-assed Personality/Bond/Flaw/Ideal system that everyone skips over in character creation? (New rule as a DM: I screen players by whether or not they fill that shit out).
Because ultimately, who we are as people is largely determined by more than our alignment along cosmic axes.
It would “lead to richer plots and themes,” as they say.
In fairness to WotC, they have made some baby steps in this direction — see: their “Diversity and Dungeons & Dragons” article, which promises to depict drow and orcs differently, fix some errors of racial sensitivity, allow customization of racial backgrounds, and improve the portrayal of the Vistani, a Roma-like people from the Curse of Strahd adventure. They’ve followed through with this, too, as far as I know.
In conclusion, I absolutely see the problems and the implicit bias in the most common depictions of the drow. But I also believe there’s good worldbuilding here that can be salvaged. Worldbuilding that asks questions like:
How do you live in a world of complete darkness, where heat vision provides most visual cues?
What sorts of language might develop from a culture based around worship of a chaotic evil spider goddess?
How does a matriarchy work, and how does it marginalize men?
What role does separation from the surface and the other Underdark races play in drow culture?
What are the consequences of a judicial system that boils down to “don’t get caught?”
And really, these speak to some fundamental human questions, don’t they? What is morality? What is marginalization? How does our experience of the world inform our language?
This is the stuff that intrigues me about the drow. I’d rather not throw it out wholesale.
Fanfic — I still have a ways to go to finish Bright Future, and right now I hella miss Mavash and Jorlan.
I’ve been devoting a lot of time lately to TTRPGs, which is fun, but I also know if I continue to do NOTHING BUT TTRPGS, I will burn out quickly. (Because that is how the Lise do).
So. For accountability’s sake, I’m writing it here:
I will be writing Some Words every day in May — specifically, on the three things above.
I will show my work here. Maybe not daily, depending on how things go, but I’ll let you know. And no, writing daily updates on my progress does not itself count as progress 😉
I will not neglect my TTRPG games entirely — I’ll still go to my Pathfinder and D&D games, I’ll finish the one-shot I’m running for my work colleagues, and I may be picking up my Curse of Strahd game again soon (?) — but I’m not going to take on any new commitments.
Hey, this took a long time to write! It’s Q2, and here I am finally putting virtual pen to virtual paper. But rest assured, I have been trying to live this, even if I haven’t been talking about it.
My theme for the year is: “Making my outsides match my insides.” Or, put another way, “wearing my heart on my sleeve.”
What does that mean?
My mother said to me once, “You just don’t pay attention to how you look, do you?” At the time I heard it as an insult, but I’ve come to realize it’s not — it was an accurate observation of my state of mind.
See, this shows in how I treat my body — as a sort of meat car for the really important stuff, i.e. my thoughts, memories, mind, etc. What does it matter what my outsides look like?
Heck, I drive a 2007 Toyota Yaris; I don’t even care what my car-car looks like. It just gets me from one place to another.
And so with my meat car.
But I’m a materialist, so I know this is false thinking. There is not separate mind stuff and body stuff. (Take that, Descartes!) The mind is the brain is the body. (Or, at least, the mind is an epiphenomenon that can’t be directly controlled except through the bo– look, I was a cog sci major, okay??)
So, yeah, I have never paid a lot of attention to my appearance. Most days I work from home wearing pajamas; if I have a meeting, I might actually take a shower and put on a bra and real clothes. This is a lifestyle the pandemic has only encouraged — and the permanently remote job I have now does not help.
A lot of my work over the past few years — with these annual themes, in therapy — has been about being genuine, vulnerable, true to myself. About putting my “heart on my sleeve” in an emotional or mental way.
Now I want to put my heart on my sleeve in terms of my physical being — my personal style, my body image, and the stuff I’m putting out into the world.
Get ready, we’re putting a party hat on this meat car.
I have always been envious of people who have a personal style. The sort of person who you see and think “gee, I feel like I know who they are just from looking at them.”
I am not like that, unless you consider my greasy face and a 10-year t-shirt to be an expression of my personality.
(I mean… I think my ripped “Rowsdower: Canada’s Brass Knuckles” t-shirt does have some personality to it).
I’ve put a lot of thought, last year and this, into what I WANT my personal style to be. I’ve put together a Pinterest board called “I want to be fabulous” with pictures that inspire me. I’ve also written out some bullet points that I think express my desired aesthetic well:
Baroque (in both senses) details â€” beautiful inutility. Lace, ruffles, silk.
A bit of equestrian chic, like an eccentric noblewoman riding through the fields
Nerdy things, ie my Tee Turtle shirts, TES jewelry
Jewel tones and blacks
A little bit of goth
Capital R Romanticism
Actually, if I could look like Orly of Buckingham1, thatâ€™s right on. Maybe with more skulls and moons.
By which I mean Orlando Bloom as the Duke of Buckingham in the 2011 The Three Musketeers. My god he’s fabulous and I’m not sure if I want to be him or I want to bang him… or, being ace, “have passionate conversations about poetic forms while brushing each other’s hair and kissing.”
I tried to boil this down to a single tagline, and what I came up with wasÂ “eccentric time-lost noblethem.”
So how does one become such a grand thing? Let’s set some intentions!
Catalog wardrobe using the Stylebook app
I downloaded Stylebook a couple of months ago, and while I’m not making full use of it yet, I already love it. It’s inexpensive (a one-time $3.99), and has a ton of functionality, as well as robust documentation to help you learn how to use it. Once you have a full wardrobe to work with, you can ask it to “shuffle” items and suggest outfits.
Basically, it helps you get the most out of the wardrobe you have.
However, it does operate on having all your wardrobe items entered in, and that is a challenge I’ve only just begun.
I think a modest goal here would be to add five items to Stylebook per week. That’s one for every week day. I assume I will be wearing more than one garment per day, and that I will wear real clothes at least one or two days a week.
Participate in Snazzual Fridays
This is a hashtag/event my friend Tegan created at the start of the pandemic last year, to get us out of the rut of the permanent athleisure lifestyle and to put on clothes that might not otherwise get worn. I’ve done this a couple of times, but mostly my snazzual days don’t fall on Fridays. That’s okay — any day can be snazzual if you feel it in your heart.
So my modest goal here is to Be snazzual 1-2 times per month, and document it. (More on that latter part below).
Continue to define my personal style, and expand (or purge) my wardrobe appropriately
As with all “stuff,” acquiring clothes is infinitely easier than getting rid of them.
My most recent influx of clothes has been a) giant bag of shirts and leggings I got from someone on my Buy Nothing group, and b) Stitchfix.
I’ve been surprised how many new-to-me pieces came out of the giant bag o’ clothes — there’s a lot of “tunic tops and leggings,” which is my go-to day-to-day style when I actually put on clothes. (It also ties in well with my “lushness” and “swishiness” elements — and I generally think the “long over lean” look is a good one for me).
Stitchfix has also been positive, but it’s also expensive, and I want to avoid getting more clothes than I will wear or have room to store. I’ll continue to use Stitchfix, but I’m still figuring out the right frequency.
I also want to expand my personal style pinboard and use it to extend the possibilities of my wardrobe.
Finally, I want to make a habit of reorganizing my closet seasonally, to rotate in seasonal items and get rid of stuff I haven’t worn in the past X amount of time.
One thing I run into pretty quickly when thinking about personal style is… the mirror.
I want to look like an elf, and I have the body of a hobbit.
I am not tall and thin and angular and androgynous. I am short and fat and squishy.
I’m not okay with this. I’ve never been okay with this.
And yet… this body is here to stay. It’s the only meat car I’ve got. I’m not getting any taller, my fat is always going to be distributed this way, and whenever I’ve intentionally tried to lose weight, it hasn’t been terribly effective.
In the vein of “accepting the things you cannot change,” here’s what I’m going to do to improve my body image in 2021.
Take more selfies
Selfies aren’t just vanity — they play an important role in accepting our body by curating how we present it to the world. If we can repeatedly see ourselves at our best, maybe it becomes easier to say “ew I’m ugly and fat and my hair is too thin” every time I look in the mirror
I’ve already created a “Selfiegeddon 2021” album on Facebook; I intend to add 50 selfies to it by the end of the year. (We’ll see if that’s unique shots or total — I’m willing to bend the rules depending on how I’m doing).
Focus on health, not weight
Do I want to weigh less? Yes — if nothing else, I want a more proportional body, so that clothes fit me better.
Do I want to focus on losing weight? Hell nah.
My solution to this is to focus on activities that are healthier — and be surprised by weight loss that may happen.
For example, since the beginning of this year I’ve been trying to eradicate my sweet tooth. Not just sucrose, either — I make ample use of artificial sweetener. But I feel like all that does is keep those cravings alive and make me hungrier in the long run.
When I get to the point where I would sell my soul for a Boston creme donut is usually where I say, “okay, it’s time to lay off the sweets.” After about two weeks without, I crave sweets a lot less and my hunger levels are less spiky.
So, in that vein, my “healthy not weighty” goals:
Moderate my relationship with sweets, as specified above.
Continue exercise in a gentle, non-competitive way.
Eat more veggies. “More” is vague, I know. For one thing, more than three mini peppers with my usual lunch of meat and cheese 😉
Eat breakfast. I don’t do this enough, because usually when I wake up the last thing I want is food. But it keeps my hunger at reasonable levels throughout the day.
Find better role models in body image
I want to look like an elf — but who says elves have to be tall and thin?
Tolkien, probably, but let’s not forget he was drawing from the poetic Eddas. And if you go back far enough in Nordic/Germanic myth, elves and dwarves are the same. (Alberich, who appears in the Ring cycle, is variously described as an elf or a dwarf, I seem to recall).
… and if there’s anything playing D&D taught me about dwarves, it’s that you can hear the clap of their ass cheeks through Mithril Hall.
So, uh, I guess what I’m saying is, I not only need to put my own image out into the world — I need to find images that represent what I am looking for and are relatable and achievable. I also want to stop having a viscerally different reaction to images of thin vs. fat people.
Earlier this year I followed some plus-size alt-fashion Instagrammers. But I’m not a heavy Insta user, so I can’t say this has done anything for me. I also try to skew my pinboard towards plus-size fashion icons, too, but lemme just say all your results change for the worse when you add “plus size” to any query on Pinterest.
So I need to do some noodling on this point. But bottom line, I want to merge “people who look like me,” “people who are being their authentic selves through fashion,” and “people who look fabulous.”
All right? All right. I think that’s enough to keep me busy for a year. Now back to my paint-stained pajamas for the night.